by Timothy Geftakys
The way of a man with a maid…a topic that never grows old through generations of thought and meditation and experience. Solomon, one of the wisest men of all time, thousands of years ago wondered at the way of a man with a maid, and men and women are still pondering this intriguing subject today. Christians are not excluded from the questions, dilemmas and perplexities that accompany the relationship between a man and a woman; perhaps wondering in light of their commitment to Christ how to handle the natural feelings and longings within them toward the opposite sex. Others in a position of counseling may be perplexed in light of this topic, because they want to be able to help and give good counsel in an age when “anything goes.”
We can never really do justice to such a broad and universally appealing topic as relationships, but we can make an emphasis in light of Scriptural principles as to how Christians who want to honor the Lord ought to behave in their relationships. For the time being, let’s lay aside everything the marriage counselors of this world would say on the topic, and glean from the Word of God a few points of instruction concerning godly relationships. God the Father Himself has addressed the innermost needs of our lives; He has not left us alone to our own alternatives, but has provided everything we need through the instruction of His Word, the Bible. Indeed, He entreats us: “My son, attend to my words; incline thine ear unto my sayings. Let them not depart from thine eyes; keep them in the midst of thine heart. For they are life unto those that find them, and health to all their flesh” (Prov. 4:20-22).
The Christian’s Understanding
More often than not, what gets us into trouble in terms of relationships is the lack of understanding. Perhaps if Solomon were here today, he would say to young men and women: “Have a little understanding in the light of the normal desires of your heart.” God has put within us a desire for love and a relationship as expressed in marriage. To be attracted to a member of the opposite sex is good, normal, and healthy. But, there is a time and way to express and fulfill these desires. “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven….He [God] hath made every thing beautiful in his time” (Eccles. 3:1, 11). We live in a generation that demonstrates a lack of self-control and peace, particularly in relationships. Men and women are extremely restless and impatient today. Again, Solomon would say: “Have a little understanding…know that your life is made up of seasons.” As a fruit tree bears fruit in its season, so do our lives. God makes everything beautiful in His time. But, what happens so often in our relationships is this: we see the fruit long before or maybe just a little while before it is ripe. We say: “There it is…I can see it! Oh, I know it’s not quite ripe, but I’m hungry!” So we pick the fruit before its season and we eat it, and it sours in our stomach, bringing sorrow and bitterness into our lives. Why? Because it was not quite God’s time. In His time the fruit would have been full and sweet and nutritious. But when we insist upon our timing, particularly in relationships, we experience frustration and bitterness.
The desires within us are normal. The most deep and precious love between two people, ordained by God, is for their blessing and enjoyment. But that love must have a proper expression and timing. When we hurry to our desire, then that which was ultimately meant for our greatest good is spoiled, and can become the greatest evil by turning our hearts away from the Lord. Wait upon God! He wants to give you the very best. Take encouragement from Solomon’s assurance: “I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him” (Eccles. 3:14). All the fruits of life and love have enduring value when we allow God to give them to us in His time.
The Christian’s Pursuit
So, in practical terms, what do we do? Wait around forever, doing nothing, only hoping and wishing “the spirit will move” in our behalf? No! Practical Christianity is not passive; as vital Christians we are on the move in the arena of faith! God says to Christians today who seriously want to honor Him in their relationships: “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you” [italics added] (Matt. 6:33). Let me put it another way. We will never know God’s perfect choices for our life by setting out to find a wife or a husband. We don’t learn of God’s will by experimentation with this, that or the other person. God’s perfect plan for our life is revealed when we seek only Him and leave all the variables in His hands. Does that sound a little radical? It is! To put it plainly, this kind of thinking opens “a can of worms” in our society.
Many argue: “Well, if I don’t date, how will I get to know anyone, and be able to make a wise choice?” That sounds reasonable enough, but it is not God’s way. We do not know the will of God by trial and error. That is the world’s way. Contrary to the way of the world, the Lord Jesus says to men and women: “Take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matt. 6:31-33).
Why is there so much confusion among Christians about relationships? It is because many seek relationships before they seek the Lord. Remember when you first heard the Lord’s call to you: “Follow me”? Did you say: “OK Lord, I’ll follow you if…”? Is your commitment to the Lord conditioned upon whether or not you first find a wife or a husband? God calls us to leave all and follow Him. Yes, it is very costly, but we can trust the lover of our souls. He only wants to give us the very best. My challenge to young men and women is to lay aside your plans and get on with serving the Lord. Get into regular fellowships with God’s people (Acts 2:42). Take each opportunity you can to serve the Lord with His people in the work. Paul wrote to young Timothy: “Watch thou in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, make full proof of thy ministry” (II Tim. 4:5). Peter further assures us: “If these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ: (II Pet. 1:8).
The Christian’s Behavior
As young men and women seek first the Lord and allow Him to lead them into relationships, there is then a specific behavior that should characterize those relationships. The apostle Paul gave to Timothy a very basic principle upon which to relate to young women. He instructed him to treat “the younger [women] as sisters, with all purity” [italics added] (I Tim. 5:2). Purity is the guiding principle for relationships between brothers and sisters. Quite a contrast to the looseness we see dominating most of society today! The behavior of unmarried men and women to each other should be as a brother and sister, and the key to such relationships is purity! Many brothers and sister have a very difficult time getting close to each other without getting romantically involved, but it is something we need to learn before marriage. And after marriage, the only kind of relationships a man or woman can have with other besides his or her spouse is that of a brother and sister. For this reason it is valuable to learn before marriage how to relate in such a way. Young men and women’s behavior toward one another should be based upon friendship only until the Lord obviously leads them into a deeper kind of relationship; and this leading of the Lord can always be confirmed through sound counsel from mature spiritual leaders.
Paul goes even further in his counsel. He instructs the Corinthians: “It is good for a man not to touch a woman” (I Cor. 7:1). Paul is not saying that brothers and sisters can never touch each other; he is writing in light of man’s affections. Of course, people today will say that holding hands or kissing does not matter and doesn’t really mean anything. That is all the more reason to stop that kind of behavior, because it should mean something, and it does matter! We always complain about words without action; well, action without words is as bad if not worse. To one, these actions may mean little or nothing, but that may not be the case with the other. We need to consider one another. A sister should be able to trust that the brother has the mind of the Lord and that he is behaving responsibly in light of what God wants, not in the light of what he wants.
It is interesting to note that the New Testament refers to only three types of relationships between the sexes: husband to wife, parent to child, and brother to sister. There is no “boyfriend-girlfriend” relationship mentioned. This ambiguous pre-engagement arrangement is not according to God’s will. It is the product of a romantic age. If a man and a woman know it is God’s will for them to get married, they ought to get engages; otherwise, behave as brothers and sisters. They do not have exclusive claims on each other; and they have no right to give privileges to one another that God does not endorse. As Christians we should be able to fellowship with each other freely and within God’s will, and not be limited by unscriptural ties to one another.
Granted, these thoughts are but an emphasis, but a much needed one in Christian lives. May they encourage and challenge you to prove the Lord’s faithfulness as you wait on Him only and allow Him to lead you into relationships. You may see that fruit long before it is ripe or just before it is ripe. Do not pick it before its season, before God’s time, lest it sour in your stomach! God wants to give you the best. He will lead you into such goodness that nothing could make it better, if you will trust Him for this area of your life. “This I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction” (I Cor. 7:35).
