Thursday, February 2, 2017

The Lessons I Wish I Had Learned

It is lunchtime and I'm sitting in a crowded room at the corner of a long table, all by myself. So many familiar faces around me. They're happy. I want to talk with them and be their friend but I don't know how. I never learned. This is my last year of college and I still don't know how to make friends. Bless me, what do they teach in schools these days?

Yes, I was raised homeschooled. Yes, I was raised in a big family. And finally, yes, I had friends in high school. I think it started even before then though. 

Growing up, we weren't allowed to go out and have playdates with friends unless it was as a family. We couldn't even attend birthday parties unless there were at least two of us that went together. While this ultimately did help us to learn to have fun with one another, it ended up being a double-edged sword. 

We learned how to read and get along with different personalities. We learned how to use this to our advantage to 'play the authorities,' whether it was a babysitter or our parents. We took sides and always knew exactly how things would play out if the details of any circumstance changed. We learned how to think logically and analytically and how to appreciate the classical arts. 

But all of this was distilled in the context of our little family bubble. We could get along easily because we all came from the same background and line of thinking. We only analyzed thought objectively--we never learned how to deal with emotions or how to really get to know one another. 

We learned how to defend our faith, our choices, our rationale, but not how to physically or emotionally defend ourselves. We learned that the only meaningful conversations are analytical, about religion, or interpreting current events in the light of G~d's will. Anything else is a waste of time.

We prized constant busyness and hard work. Ironically enough, the Sabbath day was filled with studying and figuring out how to observe the Sabbath. We never stopped. The moments I cherished the most--the real conversations--were late at night on road trips, my dad would be driving and he would be reminiscing and just brainstorming... I could ask him things and think through them out loud with him. He would share his life lessons and his hopes and dreams. 

Now that most of us are out of the house having different life experiences, we no longer know how to relate to each other. We learned how to get to know to people with experiences different than ours, but not how to appreciate them for who they are. I wish we learned how to value and cherish the beauty in thought as well as within people themselves, especially ourselves. I wish we had learned to identify with and empathize with each other rather than just "understand," which isn't understanding at all. 


Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Journal Entry - DeFragmenting Me

When did I stop thinking?

Perhaps it was when I felt enclosed in a new space, trapped by all the people and pressured by the idealized standards surrounding me.

When did I lower my standards?

Perhaps it was a combination of an atmosphere of apathy and a post-modernistic approach that has slowly convinced me that I don't have to try as hard as long, as I'm satisfied by the results.

When did I convince myself that it's okay to repress my feelings?

Perhaps it was because I wanted to be a mature one, the one who wasn't suffering, didn't have issues, and could help everyone else.


Why do these questions plague me now?

Perhaps the issue is that I am losing touch with myself; I no longer feel like a whole person but a shell driven by emotions and goals which are not connected to my inner essence.

Why is giving myself space the only thing that helps?

Perhaps the lack of constraint allows me the comfort of no other presence around that will judge me or expect something of me or that I even need to communicate with in some form or fashion.

Why am I suddenly so self-centered?

Perhaps the purpose of self-reflection is this: to direct oneself back to a central point of balance.


Where are the words with which to describe myself?

Perhaps they have been lost in the disconnect between me and myself.

Where are the feelings that will put me in touch with myself again?

Perhaps they have no outlet by which to be expressed; perhaps there is no one that I trust to hear them who will understand and give wise advice for how to deal with them.


What is my reason for not trusting anyone with myself?

Perhaps I am afraid of being hurt, but by not trusting anyone I guess I have already hurt myself, though I also feel that I trust too easily at times.

What happened to logic?

Perhaps I left it behind along with my heart, and I don't know where either of them went.

What prompted all of this introspection?

Perhaps it was the picking apart of the fundamental concepts of society that we did in Intercultural Knowledge and Competence, which is exactly what Dr. Davis wanted us to do.

What is the purpose for reflexivity?

Perhaps it helps us to more clearly understand us as individuals and, in turn, how we relate to each other, essentially picking apart the way human beings interact and what it means to be an individual human being.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Untitled

The ache and pain of separation. Not the natural kind of separation, the one that is forced. Forced by things said and done. Things that formed crucial moments which can never be taken back. Moments lost forever. A kindred soul lost forever.

My heart pines for you; if only I knew that yours did the same.

I miss you. I love you. Always and forever.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

It's Been a While...


Confession: I stayed up really late. but i updated my tumblr. also i realized that i can read depressing blogs about eating disorders and cutting and such without getting affected as strongly as i used to be. the joy of the L~rd *IS* my strength (: i need to find more worship music to listen to. and i need to make a plan for studying collegeplus and reading through the Bible in a year. that's all.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

szeptember 27, 2010

Ughhhhhhh. I am so mad at this wireless. And just random stuff. But mostly the wireless. First off, I rly need to talk to my twin. Like, srsly. I cant rly talk to anyone else…I mean I can, but they wont/don’t understand. And I don’t wanna seem complainy to anyone cuz I’m not complaining, just stuff is rly hard for me right now. I know it’s not as difficult as some people, but for me this is hard. Im used to being around lots of people that I know…and everyone knows everyone else…and we’re all one big happy family. Here it’s like, most of them know each other already (from summer camps or last year) or they all have mutual friends somewhere in sometime. Or know some family member who’s a friend of someone who they used to know at some time and yeah. It kinda gets annoying, but I guess it’s good for them. Idk. I’m trying to find my way in it all, see if I belong there, and I know that can be a struggle just to figure that out, but even when I do feel like I’m part of something, I feel like I’m not at the same time. I feel like I don’t fit anywhere. I know zsuzsi and them are trying to make it family-like for me…they feel like I’m part of their family too…and I do too sometimes, but they don’t know me. I’m not a big family familyish type person. I am, but everyone is my family. I see people as equally important because we’re all G~d’s children. Idk. Here I am. Everyone keeps telling me: “you’re an adult! You need to live your own life now…make your own decisions…get out there and be the person G~d made you to be.” WHAT THE FREAKING LUKE IS THAT?!?!?! I know I’m an “adult” but I’m also still under my parent’s authority. So when do I make a decision on my own and when do I have them make the decision for me? Then knowing who G~d made me to be is a whole different story. I for one have absolutely no idea what G~d wants me to do. There are quite a few things that I can do…quite a few talents that He’s gifted me with…like being able to pretty much find a place with one of my talents somewhere to serve. But no specific great anything. The greatest thing I wanted to do with/in my life as a child was to be the queen. I want to be what G~d wants me to be. I want to do what G~d wants me to do. Just it seems like I’ll never know what that is. Should I be making plans and having goals for things in my life? Is that what G~d wants me to do? Should I just live my life not knowing anything daily and completely walk by faith? There’s no answer for that. You have to find out what G~d’s plan for you is. OKAY. I KNOW THAT ALREADY. TELL ME SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW!!! Only G~d knows my deepest thoughts and desires. I want to be a G~dly wife to some amazing man that G~d has for me. I don’t wanna get caught up thinking about someone specific because I don’t wanna put G~d in a box. I want to be open to whatever His will is for me. I want to love someone so deeply that no one can fathom it. I want to be wanted and needed by someone, and I want to need him too. I don’t wanna go around “looking for guys” because that should all be in G~d’s time. I don’t do that. But the thought is somehow always there. I don’t want it to be, but it is. G~d help me not to do something completely stupid because of my flesh. Please please help me. I don’t want to. I really don’t. the struggle against the flesh is so hard. Jesus, You alone can win this battle. I give it all up to You. I keep giving it up to You so I don’t take it back. Oh G~d, why am I so depressed??? Why me? Why here? Why now? I don’t have any reason to be. It doesn’t make any sense! Aren’t You all I need? Your grace is enough? You are sufficient to provide all my needs? Why doesn’t it seem to have an effect? Is my faith lacking? Am I doing something wrong? L~rd if it’s on my part, please convict me. But don’t leave me alone in this. Father, I need you so badly. I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’m not sure if that’s worse than being under attack or not…at least then you can feel something. I know I’m not a “sham,” I know I’ve been saved and that this is just probably a valley time or a wilderness time, but it seems to be never-ending. There have been words before, stuff I know G~d has done or He has said, but it’s not like directional stuff. It’s just been spiritual insight stuff. It bugs me when other people say they have no direction and don’t know what they want to do/what G~d wants them to do either. Aren’t they somewhere doing something?? I’m just floating. Each day I don’t know what I’ll wake up to. I keep having to remind myself that I’m here, that I’m being prepared, that there’s something G~d has for me that’s bigger and better than I ever imagined…and it’s the best for me. That sounds so cliché. And it is. It drives me nuts, but it’s true. I want hot chocolate. And a soft feather bed. This temperature is nice. And it’s 23:45. Yay. I don’t want to be a feelingless person. Not literally, cuz I feel a lot…especially for other people. But me? Uhm, I’m kinda afraid to analyze that. It’s too confusing. I don’t even want anyone to read this. Why will I send it to someone? Because I know I should. And if I don’t it’ll only make things worse on my part. And who knows how G~d will use it for somebody else? Ha. Rambling. Ouch…back hurts. I miss Hannah for back stuff. And random talks like this that no one else quite understands or wants to hear about or knows about or knows me well enough to know that I’m not crazy/creeper/obsessed/mental/those are probably all basically the same thing but w/e. intelligent conversations ftw. Especially when you’re not sure about what you’re talking about….what was even your point….or why you’ve been thinking about something….or anything else like that. I want my own room so I won’t bother anyone. Sometimes I wonder if it would really be all that bad living as a hermit….anywho. I’m like falling asleep now…tearstained. Good. I couldn’t sleep last night. So I guess I’ll try to sleep while this tiredness lasts. Maybe. I need a good verse. Oh well. Later. In Hungarian. Hahaha. Fail. I should oh dear I forgot what I was going to say Oh it was reading the Hungarian Bible just cause and see if I get anything from it…and I can learn new words that way. And I’m avoiding going to bed. Yay me. *slap* okay okay! I’m going. ßmy mind. I’ll just leave it at that. Logic puzzles are pwn.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Way of a Man with a Maid

by Timothy Geftakys


The way of a man with a maid…a topic that never grows old through generations of thought and meditation and experience. Solomon, one of the wisest men of all time, thousands of years ago wondered at the way of a man with a maid, and men and women are still pondering this intriguing subject today. Christians are not excluded from the questions, dilemmas and perplexities that accompany the relationship between a man and a woman; perhaps wondering in light of their commitment to Christ how to handle the natural feelings and longings within them toward the opposite sex. Others in a position of counseling may be perplexed in light of this topic, because they want to be able to help and give good counsel in an age when “anything goes.”
            We can never really do justice to such a broad and universally appealing topic as relationships, but we can make an emphasis in light of Scriptural principles as to how Christians who want to honor the Lord ought to behave in their relationships. For the time being, let’s lay aside everything the marriage counselors of this world would say on the topic, and glean from the Word of God a few points of instruction concerning godly relationships. God the Father Himself has addressed the innermost needs of our lives; He has not left us alone to our own alternatives, but has provided everything we need through the instruction of His Word, the Bible. Indeed, He entreats us: “My son, attend to my words; incline thine ear unto my sayings. Let them not depart from thine eyes; keep them in the midst of thine heart. For they are life unto those that find them, and health to all their flesh” (Prov. 4:20-22).

The Christian’s Understanding
More often than not, what gets us into trouble in terms of relationships is the lack of understanding. Perhaps if Solomon were here today, he would say to young men and women: “Have a little understanding in the light of the normal desires of your heart.” God has put within us a desire for love and a relationship as expressed in marriage. To be attracted to a member of the opposite sex is good, normal, and healthy. But, there is a time and way to express and fulfill these desires. “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven….He [God] hath made every thing beautiful in his time” (Eccles. 3:1, 11). We live in a generation that demonstrates a lack of self-control and peace, particularly in relationships. Men and women are extremely restless and impatient today. Again, Solomon would say: “Have a little understanding…know that your life is made up of seasons.” As a fruit tree bears fruit in its season, so do our lives. God makes everything beautiful in His time. But, what happens so often in our relationships is this: we see the fruit long before or maybe just a little while before it is ripe. We say: “There it is…I can see it! Oh, I know it’s not quite ripe, but I’m hungry!” So we pick the fruit before its season and we eat it, and it sours in our stomach, bringing sorrow and bitterness into our lives. Why? Because it was not quite God’s time. In His time the fruit would have been full and sweet and nutritious. But when we insist upon our timing, particularly in relationships, we experience frustration and bitterness.
            The desires within us are normal. The most deep and precious love between two people, ordained by God, is for their blessing and enjoyment. But that love must have a proper expression and timing. When we hurry to our desire, then that which was ultimately meant for our greatest good is spoiled, and can become the greatest evil by turning our hearts away from the Lord. Wait upon God! He wants to give you the very best. Take encouragement from Solomon’s assurance: “I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him” (Eccles. 3:14). All the fruits of life and love have enduring value when we allow God to give them to us in His time.

The Christian’s Pursuit
So, in practical terms, what do we do? Wait around forever, doing nothing, only hoping and wishing “the spirit will move” in our behalf? No! Practical Christianity is not passive; as vital Christians we are on the move in the arena of faith! God says to Christians today who seriously want to honor Him in their relationships: “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you” [italics added] (Matt. 6:33). Let me put it another way. We will never know God’s perfect choices for our life by setting out to find a wife or a husband. We don’t learn of God’s will by experimentation with this, that or the other person. God’s perfect plan for our life is revealed when we seek only Him and leave all the variables in His hands. Does that sound a little radical? It is! To put it plainly, this kind of thinking opens “a can of worms” in our society.
            Many argue: “Well, if I don’t date, how will I get to know anyone, and be able to make a wise choice?” That sounds reasonable enough, but it is not God’s way. We do not know the will of God by trial and error. That is the world’s way. Contrary to the way of the world, the Lord Jesus says to men and women: “Take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matt. 6:31-33).
            Why is there so much confusion among Christians about relationships? It is because many seek relationships before they seek the Lord. Remember when you first heard the Lord’s call to you: “Follow me”? Did you say: “OK Lord, I’ll follow you if…”? Is your commitment to the Lord conditioned upon whether or not you first find a wife or a husband? God calls us to leave all and follow Him. Yes, it is very costly, but we can trust the lover of our souls. He only wants to give us the very best. My challenge to young men and women is to lay aside your plans and get on with serving the Lord. Get into regular fellowships with God’s people (Acts 2:42). Take each opportunity you can to serve the Lord with His people in the work. Paul wrote to young Timothy: “Watch thou in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, make full proof of thy ministry” (II Tim. 4:5). Peter further assures us: “If these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ: (II Pet. 1:8).

The Christian’s Behavior
            As young men and women seek first the Lord and allow Him to lead them into relationships, there is then a specific behavior that should characterize those relationships. The apostle Paul gave to Timothy a very basic principle upon which to relate to young women. He instructed him to treat “the younger [women] as sisters, with all purity” [italics added] (I Tim. 5:2). Purity is the guiding principle for relationships between brothers and sisters. Quite a contrast to the looseness we see dominating most of society today! The behavior of unmarried men and women to each other should be as a brother and sister, and the key to such relationships is purity! Many brothers and sister have a very difficult time getting close to each other without getting romantically involved, but it is something we need to learn before marriage. And after marriage, the only kind of relationships a man or woman can have with other besides his or her spouse is that of a brother and sister. For this reason it is valuable to learn before marriage how to relate in such a way. Young men and women’s behavior toward one another should be based upon friendship only until the Lord obviously leads them into a deeper kind of relationship; and this leading of the Lord can always be confirmed through sound counsel from mature spiritual leaders.
            Paul goes even further in his counsel. He instructs the Corinthians: “It is good for a man not to touch a woman” (I Cor. 7:1). Paul is not saying that brothers and sisters can never touch each other; he is writing in light of man’s affections. Of course, people today will say that holding hands or kissing does not matter and doesn’t really mean anything. That is all the more reason to stop that kind of behavior, because it should mean something, and it does matter! We always complain about words without action; well, action without words is as bad if not worse. To one, these actions may mean little or nothing, but that may not be the case with the other. We need to consider one another. A sister should be able to trust that the brother has the mind of the Lord and that he is behaving responsibly in light of what God wants, not in the light of what he wants.
            It is interesting to note that the New Testament refers to only three types of relationships between the sexes: husband to wife, parent to child, and brother to sister. There is no “boyfriend-girlfriend” relationship mentioned. This ambiguous pre-engagement arrangement is not according to God’s will. It is the product of a romantic age. If a man and a woman know it is God’s will for them to get married, they ought to get engages; otherwise, behave as brothers and sisters. They do not have exclusive claims on each other; and they have no right to give privileges to one another that God does not endorse. As Christians we should be able to fellowship with each other freely and within God’s will, and not be limited by unscriptural ties to one another.
            Granted, these thoughts are but an emphasis, but a much needed one in Christian lives. May they encourage and challenge you to prove the Lord’s faithfulness as you wait on Him only and allow Him to lead you into relationships. You may see that fruit long before it is ripe or just before it is ripe. Do not pick it before its season, before God’s time, lest it sour in your stomach! God wants to give you the best. He will lead you into such goodness that nothing could make it better, if you will trust Him for this area of your life. “This I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction” (I Cor. 7:35).

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Gàbor Vecseri - OO

In the footsteps of my father
  
He is 17. He is in a new country with a one relative whom he has never seen. He doesn’t know the language, hasn’t finished high school, and owns only the clothes on his back. Who is he and how did he get there? The true story that I will share with you today is of my hero, my role-model, my father.

Before I can share this special connection with you, it is crucial first to explain my father’s background setting as a child in communist Hungary. Then I’ll share the fulfillment of a prophecy about him visiting America, and then finally life today - why he is my hero, and why I have chosen to follow in the footsteps of my father.

1. Background setting [family, birth date, war-torn country]
On the lovely, sunny, early spring day of March 28, 1956, Gabor Vecseri was born to Ibolya and Jozsef Vecseri. The only boy, he had one older sister named Agnes. Seven months later in October of 1956 the Hungarian Revolution broke out against the harsh communist rule.
As war was raging around them in the capital, Budapest, the Vecseri family went into hiding in the basement of their four-story apartment building. The basement had a dirt floor, low ceiling, it was cold, damp, dark and dirty and was used by some of the residents for storing coal in small cubicles for their apartments. Cooking there was difficult, smoke and smell had to be disguised so that the soldiers would not see and find them. Hygiene was non-existent. Water was scarce and the pipes were lead. Hiding there for an extended period of time took a toll on the baby boy. He became very ill with a stomach virus and neared death. His father, however, remembered an old wives tale and decided to venture out to find a cure for his son. At night he found a dead Russian soldier, put on the uniform and went to a city park in search of wild chestnuts to make brew out of them. It was this brave expedition that saved my father’s life as a baby.
As a child, my dad was weak and sickly, spending weeks in the hospital every year with his stomach illness. Otherwise a normal little boy, -quite cute from the pictures- he liked to play by himself, and was very attached and affectionate with his family. When he did not talk yet at age three his parents thought it must be the result of a head injury at age one, but thankfully it wasn't, he was just a deep thinker. In school he did well in math and science, not so good in language, but did better than average even in the hated Russian language. Thus began my father’s life of growing up in communist Hungary.
            My grandmother, Ibolya or as we know her Nagymama, worked several jobs in the medical field under the communist regime. Daytime she was a nurse, at night she did pedicure in private homes, besides being a mother and cooking meals from scratch and washing clothes by hand. My grandfather, Jozsef or Nagypapa, was one of the most educated men in Hungary. As a matter of fact, he was the first secretary of the president of the railroad before World War II. The war brought in the Soviet rule, the communist party, which stripped Nagypapa of his high position because he refused to become a party member. He said he valued integrity more than to sell out his soul and become part of their ‘regime’. However, he was able to keep a job at the railroad because of his education and his exceptional work ethic.
While still in middle school, my dad visited his father’s work. There he helped with the homework of the other communist party members, who were still laboring to earn their high school education; and yet those “workers” sat around drinking and partying all day. They hadn’t even finished high school, yet they made more money than my grandpa. To you and me, it seems this would’ve created a harbor for bitterness against that kind of work, but my dad decided that he wanted to be a mechanical engineer working with trains. Instead of going to regular high school, he went to a Railroad Technical School. He planned to continue education at the technical university to become a Railroad engineer. However, shortly after he turned 17 and just before his senior year, an opportunity arose for him to visit his mother’s sister, Aunt Maria who had left Hungary to come to America during WWII. So it was arranged for my dad to visit the United States for one month, then he would come back and his sister Agnes would go. According to the plan, she would stay in America to have a better future. Little did everyone know, there was a different, divine plan at work. My dad’s Aunt Maria had a dream as a little girl that was yet to be fulfilled. But up until that point, it had been long forgotten.

2. The fulfillment of prophecy
In this prophetic dream, Aunt Maria was playing marbles with her sister, Ibolya. They both had a red and a blue marble. In the game, Nagymama’s blue marble rolled over to Aunt Maria and stayed there. This was a foreshadowing of the future, for when Gabor visited America, his one month visit quickly turned into months, then years until at last it became permanent.
His parents, being concerned about his future in a strange country, were very upset about him leaving home at such a young age. It did not fit their plan, but God had a higher plan. 
With his aunt in Chicago, my dad learned several skills in the construction and real estate management industries. During this period of my dad’s life, God grabbed hold of his heart and he got saved. This was a fulfillment of countless prayers by his late grandmother who died before his birth. After his salvation, he traveled to several revivals and churches around the States to gain knowledge of God and the Scriptures. He learned from many spiritual giants and mentors. 
For the next ten years, he worked with other Hungarians in Chicago. One such man of my Nagypapa’s age, Mr. Dobos, became my dad’s spiritual mentor, a second father. Little did they know that my dad’s parents in Budapest were hosting a Hungarian boy in their home who happened to be Mr. Dobos’s son. The two families became good friends and the Dobos’s have remained a second family to my dad. 
After a series of unfortunate events at work, my father was reminded of his childhood dream of attending a technical school. His father's encouragement to continue his education motivated him to apply at a university in Tulsa, Oklahoma where he later received his bachelor’s and master’s degrees in Mechanical Engineering. There he met my mother, who was working towards her bachelor’s degree in Sacred Music. They got married after graduation and the happy couple two-stepped to Houston, Texas as a result of an excellent job offer for my dad. Two years later, I was born. My parents bought their first house and six other siblings quickly followed. As he became established, my grandparents at last gave thanks for the divine provision through which my dad could raise seven children, which would have not been possible in communist Hungary. We matured, our father began teaching us about our family heritage. He even took us to visit our grandparents and the places where he grew up in Budapest. This brings our story up to the present, and now I will share with you why my dad is my hero.

3. Present time - why he is my hero
During our last family trip to Hungary, my father pointed to an old black-and-white baby photo hanging in one of the bedrooms of my grandparents’ house. He asked me, “Who is that up there?” I looked at the picture, which seemed strangely familiar from my poor recollections, and I guessed that it was me as an infant. Dad turned to me and said, “That’s me.” Somehow, that occasion became the most precious event in my relationship with my father. We think alike, talk alike, and even look alike in those cute baby pictures! This may sound natural; after all he is my father. However, it was the defining moment in our relationship and the beginning of our special bond as father and daughter. Through my father's difficult childhood, his character was refined to make him into the person he is today. He works hard to provide the best that he can for us kids yet he reminds us of how privileged we are by using his experiences to teach us good character. My favorite example of this is our debate discussions that sometimes go long into the night as we try to piece a case together. My father's background provides insights to the arguments that I would not have come up with on my own. It is the little moments like these that I treasure. I stop and realize that the more I learn of my father’s heritage, the more I can relate to him because in growing older, I become like him.
                                                                                                                                                           
I am 18, finishing high school and working two part-time jobs. This fall I am planning to go back to Hungary, to my father’s home country to learn the language and the culture of our people. I know my life’s story is being written by the Heavenly Father, while I am following in the footsteps of my earthly hero, my dad.