The Lessons I Wish I Had Learned

It is lunchtime and I'm sitting in a crowded room at the corner of a long table, all by myself. So many familiar faces around me. They're happy. I want to talk with them and be their friend but I don't know how. I never learned. This is my last year of college and I still don't know how to make friends. Bless me, what do they teach in schools these days?

Yes, I was raised homeschooled. Yes, I was raised in a big family. And finally, yes, I had friends in high school. I think it started even before then though. 

Growing up, we weren't allowed to go out and have playdates with friends unless it was as a family. We couldn't even attend birthday parties unless there were at least two of us that went together. While this ultimately did help us to learn to have fun with one another, it ended up being a double-edged sword. 

We learned how to read and get along with different personalities. We learned how to use this to our advantage to 'play the authorities,' whether it was a babysitter or our parents. We took sides and always knew exactly how things would play out if the details of any circumstance changed. We learned how to think logically and analytically and how to appreciate the classical arts. 

But all of this was distilled in the context of our little family bubble. We could get along easily because we all came from the same background and line of thinking. We only analyzed thought objectively--we never learned how to deal with emotions or how to really get to know one another. 

We learned how to defend our faith, our choices, our rationale, but not how to physically or emotionally defend ourselves. We learned that the only meaningful conversations are analytical, about religion, or interpreting current events in the light of G~d's will. Anything else is a waste of time.

We prized constant busyness and hard work. Ironically enough, the Sabbath day was filled with studying and figuring out how to observe the Sabbath. We never stopped. The moments I cherished the most--the real conversations--were late at night on road trips, my dad would be driving and he would be reminiscing and just brainstorming... I could ask him things and think through them out loud with him. He would share his life lessons and his hopes and dreams. 

Now that most of us are out of the house having different life experiences, we no longer know how to relate to each other. We learned how to get to know to people with experiences different than ours, but not how to appreciate them for who they are. I wish we learned how to value and cherish the beauty in thought as well as within people themselves, especially ourselves. I wish we had learned to identify with and empathize with each other rather than just "understand," which isn't understanding at all.