szeptember 27, 2010

Ughhhhhhh. I am so mad at this wireless. And just random stuff. But mostly the wireless. First off, I rly need to talk to my twin. Like, srsly. I cant rly talk to anyone else…I mean I can, but they wont/don’t understand. And I don’t wanna seem complainy to anyone cuz I’m not complaining, just stuff is rly hard for me right now. I know it’s not as difficult as some people, but for me this is hard. Im used to being around lots of people that I know…and everyone knows everyone else…and we’re all one big happy family. Here it’s like, most of them know each other already (from summer camps or last year) or they all have mutual friends somewhere in sometime. Or know some family member who’s a friend of someone who they used to know at some time and yeah. It kinda gets annoying, but I guess it’s good for them. Idk. I’m trying to find my way in it all, see if I belong there, and I know that can be a struggle just to figure that out, but even when I do feel like I’m part of something, I feel like I’m not at the same time. I feel like I don’t fit anywhere. I know zsuzsi and them are trying to make it family-like for me…they feel like I’m part of their family too…and I do too sometimes, but they don’t know me. I’m not a big family familyish type person. I am, but everyone is my family. I see people as equally important because we’re all G~d’s children. Idk. Here I am. Everyone keeps telling me: “you’re an adult! You need to live your own life now…make your own decisions…get out there and be the person G~d made you to be.” WHAT THE FREAKING LUKE IS THAT?!?!?! I know I’m an “adult” but I’m also still under my parent’s authority. So when do I make a decision on my own and when do I have them make the decision for me? Then knowing who G~d made me to be is a whole different story. I for one have absolutely no idea what G~d wants me to do. There are quite a few things that I can do…quite a few talents that He’s gifted me with…like being able to pretty much find a place with one of my talents somewhere to serve. But no specific great anything. The greatest thing I wanted to do with/in my life as a child was to be the queen. I want to be what G~d wants me to be. I want to do what G~d wants me to do. Just it seems like I’ll never know what that is. Should I be making plans and having goals for things in my life? Is that what G~d wants me to do? Should I just live my life not knowing anything daily and completely walk by faith? There’s no answer for that. You have to find out what G~d’s plan for you is. OKAY. I KNOW THAT ALREADY. TELL ME SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW!!! Only G~d knows my deepest thoughts and desires. I want to be a G~dly wife to some amazing man that G~d has for me. I don’t wanna get caught up thinking about someone specific because I don’t wanna put G~d in a box. I want to be open to whatever His will is for me. I want to love someone so deeply that no one can fathom it. I want to be wanted and needed by someone, and I want to need him too. I don’t wanna go around “looking for guys” because that should all be in G~d’s time. I don’t do that. But the thought is somehow always there. I don’t want it to be, but it is. G~d help me not to do something completely stupid because of my flesh. Please please help me. I don’t want to. I really don’t. the struggle against the flesh is so hard. Jesus, You alone can win this battle. I give it all up to You. I keep giving it up to You so I don’t take it back. Oh G~d, why am I so depressed??? Why me? Why here? Why now? I don’t have any reason to be. It doesn’t make any sense! Aren’t You all I need? Your grace is enough? You are sufficient to provide all my needs? Why doesn’t it seem to have an effect? Is my faith lacking? Am I doing something wrong? L~rd if it’s on my part, please convict me. But don’t leave me alone in this. Father, I need you so badly. I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’m not sure if that’s worse than being under attack or not…at least then you can feel something. I know I’m not a “sham,” I know I’ve been saved and that this is just probably a valley time or a wilderness time, but it seems to be never-ending. There have been words before, stuff I know G~d has done or He has said, but it’s not like directional stuff. It’s just been spiritual insight stuff. It bugs me when other people say they have no direction and don’t know what they want to do/what G~d wants them to do either. Aren’t they somewhere doing something?? I’m just floating. Each day I don’t know what I’ll wake up to. I keep having to remind myself that I’m here, that I’m being prepared, that there’s something G~d has for me that’s bigger and better than I ever imagined…and it’s the best for me. That sounds so cliché. And it is. It drives me nuts, but it’s true. I want hot chocolate. And a soft feather bed. This temperature is nice. And it’s 23:45. Yay. I don’t want to be a feelingless person. Not literally, cuz I feel a lot…especially for other people. But me? Uhm, I’m kinda afraid to analyze that. It’s too confusing. I don’t even want anyone to read this. Why will I send it to someone? Because I know I should. And if I don’t it’ll only make things worse on my part. And who knows how G~d will use it for somebody else? Ha. Rambling. Ouch…back hurts. I miss Hannah for back stuff. And random talks like this that no one else quite understands or wants to hear about or knows about or knows me well enough to know that I’m not crazy/creeper/obsessed/mental/those are probably all basically the same thing but w/e. intelligent conversations ftw. Especially when you’re not sure about what you’re talking about….what was even your point….or why you’ve been thinking about something….or anything else like that. I want my own room so I won’t bother anyone. Sometimes I wonder if it would really be all that bad living as a hermit….anywho. I’m like falling asleep now…tearstained. Good. I couldn’t sleep last night. So I guess I’ll try to sleep while this tiredness lasts. Maybe. I need a good verse. Oh well. Later. In Hungarian. Hahaha. Fail. I should oh dear I forgot what I was going to say Oh it was reading the Hungarian Bible just cause and see if I get anything from it…and I can learn new words that way. And I’m avoiding going to bed. Yay me. *slap* okay okay! I’m going. ßmy mind. I’ll just leave it at that. Logic puzzles are pwn.